My sheets look like a crime scene.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
