i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
