I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
