Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
