I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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