why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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