he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
