someone get that fucking seahorse.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
