A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
We talked him into tasing himself.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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