why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
