dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
