all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
