You're so nebulous sometimes
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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