I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
