there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
