I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
