I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
