Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Even my vagina gasped.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
