Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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