it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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