Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
