Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just cropdusted the office
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize