The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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