i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
