I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
