took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
