I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I don't think brook has ever known best
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
