No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
