I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize