Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize