She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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