She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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