Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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