Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
