Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
