I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize