I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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