Cold hands, warm shart.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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