I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize