And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
