my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Why did my mother make you get naked?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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