Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Is it penis luge time yet?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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