So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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