my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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