I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
