oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
