shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize