sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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