I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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