In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize