it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
