You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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