just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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