Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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