Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
