If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
