I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize