listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
