Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
