she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
