nut hugger
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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