of course. lets lasso hookers.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
