You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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