Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
