I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
