even my farts smell like vagina
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
