I want to walk on stilts...naked
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
