how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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